“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”—Dorothy Parker, 90. The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. I have a sister and I’m not afraid to use her!”, 72. Tips. “When I get a headache, I take two asprin and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.”, 64. It looks as though you’ve already said that. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night, 70. These funny quotes about work, love, friends and family will have you saying, “So true!” because, well, they are. “Finally the fourth ape! “Clothes make the man. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids, 80. We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. “. Never take a solemn oath. Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. Hilarious Sayings and Quotes. Those who are good at math, and those who aren’t.”, 68. Any girl can be glamorous. Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. Hottest funny quotes collection of all time. 1. “If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girl’s bathroom then the world would be a much happier place.”, 11. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear, 26. I make lamb.”—Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding, 57. “Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. And coconut oil. That’s for women. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. Notify me of follow-up comments by email. USA Today has come out with a new survey. “Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”—Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day, 11. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. Bob Monkhouse. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office, 17. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake I feel better already.”, 48. Ad Choices. ~ Louis Hector Berlioz. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. ~ Les Dawson. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. How can you ever be late for anything in London? “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. So I threw a coconut on his face. Tragedy is when I cut my finger. I didn't want to interrupt her. Below we’ve compiled a collection of the most hilarious quotes to tickle your funny bone. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. You are posting comments too quickly. A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Where there's a will, there's a relative. If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, 39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Nobody gets out alive anyway. They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. “You know you’re old anytime you’re entering your DOB with a smartphone you get to the year and you have to spin that bitch like you’re on wheel of fortune.”, Looking for the most funny quotes today. My mother had me tested.”—Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory, 31. Just like everyone else. Sorry, comments are currently closed. Go ahead, bookmark this page and be ready to share some of these most hilarious quotes whenever the opportunity strikes! Please try again. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. You seem to be logged out. ~ Yogi Berra, No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. “I don’t understand why people have to ‘get ready’ for bed… I’m always ready for bed!”, 33. “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. ), 100 Inspiring Quotes on Love and Marriage, Fix It and Forget It: 18 Of The Best Slow Cooker Stew Recipes For Fall. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”—Jimmy Kimmel, 28. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. We all need a bit of laughter and levity in our lives. Inspirational funny quotes from movies for Facebook & Tumblr. Inspiration. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. You better not be around for more than 3 days. “There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”—Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club, 32. “I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”—Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada, 95. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous, 18. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. You don’t need to follow me. Neither works. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. “If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors, 76. Slow down. Funny Quotes and Sayings. Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner, 10. Thanks for signing up! When they're not upright, they're grand. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck, 12. We hope you enjoy Quotabulary. There was an error in your submission. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Hilarious short quotes certainly do the trick; they are short, sweet, and rather amusing, and are likely to tickle your funny bone. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. 13 Funny Puns That’ll Inspire Clever Memes, 22 Hilarious New Funny Quotes About Life in General, 23 Inspirational Words You’ll Love Scrolling Through, 28 More Funny Life Quotes to Crack You Up, 26 Hilarious Funny Quotes You Won’t Stop Laughing At, Nintendo Fans Will Love the Monopoly Gamer Collector’s Edition, 35 Great Painted Rock Ideas Easy Enough For Kids. “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. “Trying is the first step toward failure.”—Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, 101. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”—Steve Martin, 54. There are two theories to arguing with women. Never take life seriously. The Best Office Space Quotes to Remind Us Not to Take Work Too Seriously, 40 Oh-so-relatable Quotes About Getting the Monday Blues, The Best Army Quotes to Motivate & Help You Serve Your Country, Living the Best Life Time Quotes to Help You Make the Most Out of Life, Heartwarming and Inspiring True Love Quotes, Incredibly Inspirational Quotes for Healthcare Workers. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield, 19. If you can fake that, you're in. Marriage has no guarantees. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did in his sleep. You’ll get kudos, likes and social recognition for turning a generic funny quote to potentially the funniest quotes of all time. Unless you’re a serial killer.”—Ellen DeGeneres, 61. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Whoops! Robert Bloch. “Tough situations build strong people.”, 41. “I may not be perfect but atleast I’m not you”, 34. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. “I grew up with six brothers. The trouble was, it was my own.”—Les Dawson, 20. I don’t speak assholian.”, 38. “Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”, 12. “I never dreamed I’d grow up to be an asshole but here I am killin’it”, 74. That’s okay, that’s okay. “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee. Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”—Shonda Rimes, 96. “Stay single until someone actually compliments your life in a way that makes it better not to be single. These Short funny quotes & images will seriously make you laugh out loud! The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. “What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace.”—Harry (Billy Crystal), When Harry Met Sally, 82. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”—Lt. If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” – Winston Churchill funny quote, 28. “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld, 16. Signup for your regular dose of The Funny Beaver Newsletter! “Oh, I’m sorry. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”—Jarod Kintz, 89. Until they’re flashing behind you.”, 42. “Truth hurts. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. Here’s a collection of 35 Of The Most Hilarious Quotes EVER. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Your account was created. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
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